I have a serious aversion (read: passionate hatred) for computer games, video games, hand held games etc. I have been trying for some time to pinpoint the reason for such a passionate feeling, to no avail. It just makes me boil. I think gaming is retarded and stupid and a serious waste of precious time and life for that matter. Gaming makes me want to squirt fire out of my nostrils, shoot green slime out my eye sockets and throw things. I am especially averse to what I call "over the shoulder togetherness" or the- We're totally hanging out together because you are watching me play video games-trick. Like, totally. gag-me-with-a-spoon.
My girlfriends are now running for their cell phones. "Katie don't do it!" they screech "Don't go there!". You see, my dear-dear friends are Gamers, my kids are Gamers and yes, my husband loves him some video games. Yes, I am totally opening this can of worms girls. I have gone completely and totally mad. And it's Monday. Which has nothing to do with anything.
Anywhat. I was raging....
Lately I've been reading a lot of books. Books that fall squarely into that dreaded "Self Help" category. Yes, I am that girl, I enjoy reading boring "Self Help" books and I read them in the real paper form of, ya know-real books. No Kindle, Nook or devisey type thing for this girl. (I'm old fashioned like that.) I am trying to see into the things that make me, well... me. I want to know the real messed up me and why I react to things the way I do. I call this my Craptastic Attitude check.
So... I am learning things about myself:
Face time is hugely important to me. Real people are important to me. Don't waste my time with your fake land of Whatever Ya Call It and your Online Profile of Fake Wonderment or blather on at me about how you conquered the World of Oz (that you built yourself), I don't care about that fake load of bologna-I care about you-you in real life.
Life is too short for fake. Life is too short, period! I want to be real with those I love; I don't want to stare at a screen with you. I want to see your eyes and participate in real life with real people, not the Goddess of Pet Rescue. I believe that screen games are nothing more than pure, selfish disengagement; disengagement from real life, real people and the real you. I feel this disengagement is seriously affecting the perceptions of reality in kids today -along with pornography, media, Facebook and the interwebs in general.... but I'll attack that another day.
Time is a very precious gift. I am an ugly jealous beast when it comes to time. Time is fleeting. Don't waste this gift, as you will never get it back. Gaming is a waste of time-time you don't have to waste- in my book. Period. End of story.
Here's where things get nice and messy. And REAL. A little 'Pot callin' the Kettle' bit....
I am a hypocritical ass. Yes. I am. I may not play games but I do all the things that I hate most about gaming/gamers. You see, all those shooting fire, stuff throwing feelings I have toward gaming are all tied to feelings I have about my. own. self. I conveniently forgot about the statement that says- those things you hate most about others are really things you hate about your own dumb self. Like, duh.
I may be slow but I'm getting it.
I am fake. I fear the real me being seen. I am ashamed of the real me so I hide behind a fake personage. (The real me is weak and full of painful stories that no one wants to hear.)
I participate in disengagement on a regular basis. (Hello!!Facebook, Pinterest, Blogs, Magazines and as much as it pains me to say this...my garden)
I choose to waste precious time. Everyday. (Re: I am a horrifically unorganized mess and I choose not to keep a schedule.)
In searching for those things about gaming that made me fret, I was looking in the wrong places. I wasn't looking at my own heart. I was trying to place blame. I was shaming others ("You're a looser for wasting your life on video games") out of my own shame. That's a big part of the "shame game". We all do it; it's not about me and my brokenness- it has to be you: Nothing to see here folks-I am fine; I have built a perfect world wherein I am a perfect grounds keeper. All is fine.
And.... it's all a big-fat-stanky-dirty- LIE!
In real life, I am a very imperfect old fashioned girl with some very old fashioned ideas about things. I wish for simpler times and less technology.( If we could all go back to the days before technology stole away a piece of us, I would be the happiest girl in the world.) I struggle every.single.day. to keep my head above murky dark waters. I am messy and broken. I have waay bad grammar. I blather on about video gaming and other dumb stuff that no one gives roaring toot about. Most everyday I wish for a perfect score in My Game of Life: Perfect adorably cute outfit; perfect children; perfect house, garden , car, dinner; perfect husband; perfectly organized; perfect friend.... Let's be real here, THERE'S NO SUCH THING. Re: big-fat-stanky-dirty- LIE.
We are so much more than the sum of all our conquered-fake-worlds and perfect-fake-personage.
Wishing for things to change and hoping for/seeking perfection isn't the answer here- knowing and learning is. Knowing that we can be real with each other is huge. Learning that we don't have to "check-out" and hide from real life is important. Knowing that we are all a mess and that we all need grace, mercy and love is critical.
So, I'm learning that I'm a real mess. And I'm OK with that. I'm learning that it's OK for me to be real with those I love. There is no shame in being messy ole me. It's who God made me to be. I know that I am not alone in my broken messiness. I am also learning that from time to time you have to open that can o'worms just to see what's inside.
And how profound that while I was typing up this mess I was also clicking around the interwebs and found this positively providential bit:
God is jealous for us to turn away from the distractions of this world and turn toward him. He’s jealous for us to let go of the false identities we hold onto so tightly, and to align ourselves with Him. He’s jealous for us to relinquish the things we allow to define our worth, and grab tightly to our value in Him.-Jamie the Very Worst Missionary