Can O' Worms: Take II

(image shamelessly "borrowed" from my beautiful friend Kara)

SO much spinning around in my brain....My head is swimming with all sorts of negative self-talk. I'm trying to sort. Parse. And think well before I blurt. Being real can be painful. Sharing real feelings is tough business. Digging around in your own garbage is a for real Dirty Job. I'm trying hard to stay brave. 

The intent of my previous post was to document learning; to trot out some of those things that make me twitch (and baby, the gaming makes me twitchy) and make me who I am. My sole intent was to express my own thoughts and  my own opinions. My writing was not done to cause pain or start a fight. I think I was unable to convey that message clearly. If I said something that stung you a bit or otherwise made you uncomfortable I would challenge you to do as I did-open up that can o'worms to see what's inside. Dig around and see what's behind those feelings. And if you don't give a hoot about any of this...just stop reading now.

I was frankly amazed at the different things people took away from my post. Most notably was my husband's reaction. He said, " I can't believe you know that in those games you have to defeat your allies! That's so cool that you know that!"  I was worried he might be upset as the gaming issue is a hot one at our house. He totally digs it and I totally hate it; this is why I wanted dig deeper. I think the major heart issue for me is this: I had/have this idea of what "should" be happening within my household and beyond as well. I mean seriously, can't we all just get up off our backsides and DO something? Interact with people, go somewhere-see something new, explore, check something off that never ending to-do list. ...

Let me say, I love-love-love my gaming/techy people. On very rare occasion I have enjoyed watching others get totally carried away gaming or geeking out on something techy. It does my heart good to see a nearly blind friend fly jets-something he is very passionate about-something that will never happen in real life. It's quite entertaining watching my youngest get totally into being a Guitar Hero. He really ROCKS. (I would be over the moon with joy if he learned to play guitar for real.) I once enjoyed rocking out on Band Hero myself, when everyone present was included. I am uncomfortable when left out-it's not fun to sit on the sidelines while everyone else is having fun. I think this is why I hate watching others play video games (and watching sports for that matter). I like/want/need to participate in life with others.  I know there are some people who can't physically do this but there's a difference between those that can't and those who choose not to.

I truly understand the need to "check out" from life now and again. With Fibro, I am at times, crippled by pain; "checking out" is therapy for me. However, I do not believe it is a healthy practice to spend entire days with your face glued to a screen (and yes, I've done this). I think balance is key. I believe that gaming/technology (in all fairness,this argument can be made using most modes of "checking out"; books, food, Sudoku...whatever) of itself is truly not the problem; people are the problem. I believe it's a persons lack of self control, motivation, poor choices-and in some cases what they have been taught-that make gaming/technology etc. a bad thing. What I see as problematic (in my own life as well as those around me) is that humans fall so easily into habitual behaviour and what starts as a simple "check out" quickly becomes disengagement from real life and all too often, addiction. Escape is comfortable, reality is hard. Technology is a seductive beast and we, easy prey. It feels good to check out, so you reward yourself. Before you can say boo, the devise rules you; technology (fill in the blank) becomes your friend, your people...You can't leave the devise at home; you feel lost without it... You load up TF2 as soon as you walk through the door... You have to check Facebook in the middle of dinner... You have to add just one more word to your super triple word score thing-a-ma-who-ha...You have to pin just. one. more. Pin... You take the devise to bed with you at night...you are consumed by habitually checking out. Before you know it polite rules of decorum fall away and you are gaming/checking/texting wherever you go; at work/school, in the grocery store, in the bathroom, heck-everywhere because technology-your new BFF- is so conveniently portable.

I think that for some folks, making connections with people is becoming too hard. Whether because of money, separation or a lack of willingness, it becomes too difficult and at times impossible to reach out. Technology makes it easy to be lazy. It's so easy to shoot off a text or email/Facebook message. (Case in point: Text language=pure laziness.) But technology also makes possible, connections that would otherwise never have happened. Technology is not all bad, all the time. It is my reaction to technology that is.

I feel rejected and unloved and really, aren't I more important than updates on Downton Abbey Season 4? I mean aren't we "hanging out" together? There must be something wrong with me because you don't want to spend time with me: a real live person... then I think you should be ashamed of  your behavior but now I feel guilty about that .....and badness ensues. I suffer anger when I need help from someone and they can't be bothered because they are busy taking over the world/killing something/gaining a level and...they didn't hear me ask for help in the first place. I get indignant because, did you seriously just take that phone call whilst on the toilet? And can't' we please hush the Spotify playlist for just. one. minute?

Again, IF something I have said here has pricked your heart or caused your blood to boil please, take a look at the heart issue; what has made you feel/respond this way. If you find yourself justifying your behavior, ask yourself  "Why"? Be brave. Let your conscience guide you; take a hard look at the WHY behind those feelings. You might end up learning something about yourself.