Fighting with the Fed's (Ex'ers that is)

A week and a half ago I got a call. It was 6am. I just happened to be sleeping. Normally my hubby is the only one who calls at this hour. I thought to myself, "great he forgot his boots..." and rolled over. I drifted back to sleep. Then I heard the beep of a message being left. So being a dutiful wife (thinking this was a wifely call) I drag my insomniac self out of bed and dial the voicemail. The message was barely audible:

"This is John. Garble, blah, who knows. I need precise directions to your home. Shoooke, crack, blurp. Call me back immediately."

My heart was no longer beating. I don't remember breathing. I was shaking. I save and then replay the message several more times. Still the same thing.

Some creepy dude thinks that I will actually call back? Give him directions to my home?! This guy must be some kind'a psycho. And then, it hits me. How did this John guy get my PHONE NUMBER!?!

By now I was totally freakin' out! I was trying to remember if I had a baseball bat, a shovel or anything I might use to defend myself and my kids should this guy ACTUALLY show up at my house.

But wait.....

I have a rooster and a dog! Maybe I could use them. No. The dog has a 'tooth ache in his heel', (story for another day) and the rooster was hand raised, not the attacking sort. CCRRAAAAPPP! What am I going to do!!!!

By this point I am in a full on sweat.

I could just ignore this and move on to other things, but I like to freak out, so I milk it.

I start to make a plan.

If creepy guy shows up I will be ready! I am still working on what to attack him with, but I will be ready.

The phone rings. I nearly come right out of my skin. I stare blankly at the caller ID. Unknown number. Shaking. I answer.

Me : "H-heello?"

There is a long pause on the other end. I am sure that some kind of menacing creature thing will jump out of the phone and do unimaginable things to me and my family. (I don't watch scary movies because, well, the crap I make up in my head is bad enough) There is a loud rapping, all to much like knocking on the front door. (Kids have perfect timing) I dropped the phone. Dang near wet my pants, as I hadn't done the morning potty yet. Looking around the room, all bug eyed and slightly psychotic. I snatch up the phone and a hanger. (Yes, I was going to defend my children and the lame dog with a plastic hanger.) Wasn't there some dumb murder show that involved a phone call?? I can just picture how this will all end. Ever so slowly, I press the phone to my ear, only to hear my own heart pounding back at me. Then......

Caller: "Yes. Hello. Hello, this is John with Fed Ex. We have a package to deliver and need directions to your home."

At this point I dropped the hanger. Looking to see if any one saw me poised and ready to attack with my purple, plastic child size hanger.

Me: "ummmm"

Caller: " We have a Pampered Chef package to deliver and we can't find your house"

Me: "Ummm,"

Caller: "Ma'am??, are you there? Hello?"

Still shocked and slightly amazed. I snap to and proceed to give this man driving directions to my house. To which he replies:

"Ma'am can I just give your number to the driver and he can call you when he gets closer?"

I guess that I must have rambled on a bit about the psycho I thought he was, and.... I might have mentioned that I was planning to attack him with a hanger.

Me: "Um, mm..............sure."

So this guy, John must have shared with the rest of the Fed's what a psycho this Pampered Chef delivery was because I never did get a call.

I was ready to go to the big city and raise some hell about not getting my package after all of the turmoil this dude had caused. When......

At 6am this morning I hear a diesel engine outside. Now, I was luckily already awake. You can only imagine what might have ensued if'n I'd been asleep. I might have come to the door with a snorkel or some other dangerous weapon. Like a deadly purple, plastic child sized hanger.

Gasp!

Leave it to a man to send a woman to deal with the psycho lady. This really nice woman comes to the door burdened with a huge box. She inquires if she is in the right place. I assure her she is indeed. As she walks away she says: Smiling from ear to ear. "Ha! And I found it on the first try!"


Leave it to a woman to:

a) find the nonexistent house b) scare off the male delivery drivers and c) admit to all of cyberspace what a freak she really is.