Why I deserve Knighthood

I have recently received a partial diagnosis for what ails me (ie: why I feel like smashed carp all. the. time.)  I have a severe case of anemia where my body tries to procure much needed red blood cells by pulling immature red cells from my bone marrow. (!) This action results in too many immature red blood cells floating about and terrible bone pain. (!!) It seems I also have no Iron stores to support the growth of those immature little cells. (!!!)

My wonderful-new to me-Naturopath has prescribed a remedy. It is a remedy that shall go down in the history books of Calamity-ville as being momentous. It will be deemed "The remedy that did Mom in".   The monster in question will be forever hailed as the demon Black Lava.

I am to ingest a heaping TABLESPOON of Organic Unsulphered Blackstrap Molasses morning and evening with meals.

To say that a spoonful of molasses is horrid is an understatement. While I try to psych myself up for the task I wonder if the cure is worse than the disease. I soon start to second guess my aliment..."Do I really feel so bad? I mean seriously, people accomplish much with lesser diseases than this...  Mommy?"   I put my lessons in Lamaze breathing to work. I breath several  sharp, quick, shallow breathes before even opening the jar. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Once the lid is ajar, I spoon the globby mess towards my face. Pfft.Pfft.PFFFFFT!  Very quickly I stuff the spoon into my mouth, not wanting to drip the gooey mess all over self or kitchen.  It takes me a few moments to pull the spoon away, thus releasing the mass upon my tongue. I grimace. I squint. I stamp my feet, while trying to muster the chutzpah to actually ingest this wonderful goodness.  Quickly  I notice the bitter sting and wanting it gone, I accept my fate and swallow down The Lava. Immediately, my face and body become uncontrollable. My tongue falls right out of my mouth seeking refuge from the torture I have inflicted. My stomach starts to rumble. I feel the mouth sweats beginning. My body starts to convulse in what can only be likened to "The Elaine Dance".  It is a sight to behold.

Once in the morning... Once at night... People?!? I should start a comedy show and charge admission. Perhaps I'd make enough money for a better cure.